Generosity Burnout: Is Giving Too Much Useful & Kind?

  If you’re reading this you are probably a giver yourself.

Most likely, you always bend over backwards to tend to others’ needs, to give everyone what they ask and need. Time, attention, money, advice, food, care, you name it. And you do it with a smile on your face, with purpose and happiness, without any interest in the return of the deed or a hidden agenda. Even psychology says people like us truly exist in real life (we’re not some mythical creatures from tales) and that we truly give because we find joy in giving. We don’t do it out of a sense of responsibility, but because we know that’s what we’re meant to do in this world. It’s our way of making the world a better place.

We live and breathe generosity - useful & kind to others and the world, in its purest form.

But is that useful & kind to ourselves too? Are we also giving to ourselves as much as we’re giving to others?

 You can only give from what you already have.

But most of the times we discount that rule. We cut back on our sleep, spare time or “me time” in order to accommodate a friend’s schedule. We defer from buying something we’ve been saving money for, in order to help out someone with a loan. We postpone giving attention to ourselves in order to fully focus on what others are feeling or needing - we are always that shoulder to cry on. It can seem that it never stops.

And as happy as we’d feel for making people feel good, we cannot help but feel tired. Could it be that we get tired of giving too much to others and not enough to ourselves?

Earlier this month we looked at what motivates people to give: a complex combination of innate genetic predisposition and social norms. Of course, there are also situations where people give because they simply cannot say no. But no matter if it’s ego-giving or giving from spirit, the reasons revolve around feelings of acceptance, feel-good, self-esteem, or even duty.

However, add to this a lack of self-love and you get generosity burnout - compassion fatigue. Not only that your cup is not full; your cup is empty, yet you continue to give. Maybe because you believe it is the only way that you will be loved. Maybe it is your way of having control over a situation. Maybe you don’t know how to love yourself. Maybe you don’t think of yourself as a priority.

And it is a slippery road, that can easily lead to depression.

We’ve all seen this in spouses sacrificing everything for their partners, in parents giving their lives for the wellbeing of their children and so on. And we’ve all seen people with generosity burnout getting to that tipping point.

So, tell me, is it useful & kind?

I cannot think of any scenario in which giving everything to others and the world, but nothing to ourselves is useful & kind.

There is no utility in denying your own needs. There is no kindness and generosity in not acknowledging what we want and what we need. There is no niceness in always putting ourselves at the bottom of the priority list or believing that what we want and need doesn’t matter.

And in this month of giving and generosity, how easily can we feel pressured by social norms and our own beliefs to give more than we have in our cup?

There’s definitely not a right and wrong here - we’re all different. My cup is different than your cup. I also fill my cup slower than you fill yours - I might need a two-week holiday in a remote location with no access to emails, while you might only need a nice dinner with friends, a 10 minute meditation in the morning or a lovely walk. We have different things that fill our cups, but it’s all about bringing balance.

At Useful & Kind we believe that pro-sociality should be as much about ourselves as it is about the others and the world. Listening to what our bodies, minds and souls want and need and taking care of ourselves is as important as it is taking care of others and the world - giving material things, time, attention and kindness to others.

Giving to ourselves is not selfish. Self-care doesn’t mean less care for the others. Selflessness doesn’t have to mean a complete disregard of one’s own needs. We don’t have to choose; we only need to make sure that we give enough to ourselves too.

 So, I encourage you to pause for a moment and reflect where your giving-metre is right now. Then to act.

If you’re giving too much to others, make time to tend to your needs too.

And if you’re giving too much to yourself, find ways that you can be useful & kind to others and the world. Volunteer, get involved, care, listen, be good, be generous in any way you can - the world needs more of it, that’s for sure.

Iulia Trandafir