Generosity Burnout: Is giving too much useful & kind?

 If you’re reading this you are probably a giver yourself.

Most likely, you always bend over backwards to tend to others’ needs, to give everyone what they ask and need. Time, attention, money, advice, food, care, you name it. And you do it with a smile on your face, with purpose and happiness, without any interest in the return of the deed or a hidden agenda. Even psychology says people like us truly exist in real life (we’re not some mythical creatures from tales) and that we truly give because we find joy in giving. We don’t do it out of a sense of responsibility, but because we know that’s what we’re meant to do in this world. It’s our way of making the world a better place.

We live and breathe generosity - useful & kind to others and the world, in its purest form.

But is that useful & kind to ourselves too? Are we also giving to ourselves as much as we’re giving to others?

 You can only give from what you already have.

But most of the times we discount that rule. We cut back on our sleep, spare time or “me time” in order to accommodate a friend’s schedule. We defer from buying something we’ve been saving money for, in order to help out someone with a loan. We postpone giving attention to ourselves in order to fully focus on what others are feeling or needing - we are always that shoulder to cry on. It can seem that it never stops.

And as happy as we’d feel for making people feel good, we cannot help but feel tired. Could it be that we get tired of giving too much to others and not enough to ourselves?

Earlier this month we looked at what motivates people to give: a complex combination of innate genetic predisposition and social norms. Of course, there are also situations where people give because they simply cannot say no. But no matter if it’s ego-giving or giving from spirit, the reasons revolve around feelings of acceptance, feel-good, self-esteem, or even duty.

However, add to this a lack of self-love and you get generosity burnout - compassion fatigue. Not only that your cup is not full; your cup is empty, yet you continue to give. Maybe because you believe it is the only way that you will be loved. Maybe it is your way of having control over a situation. Maybe you don’t know how to love yourself. Maybe you don’t think of yourself as a priority.

And it is a slippery road, that can easily lead to depression.

We’ve all seen this in spouses sacrificing everything for their partners, in parents giving their lives for the wellbeing of their children and so on. And we’ve all seen people with generosity burnout getting to that tipping point.

So, tell me, is it useful & kind?

I cannot think of any scenario in which giving everything to others and the world, but nothing to ourselves is useful & kind.

There is no utility in denying your own needs. There is no kindness and generosity in not acknowledging what we want and what we need. There is no niceness in always putting ourselves at the bottom of the priority list or believing that what we want and need doesn’t matter.

And in this month of giving and generosity, how easily can we feel pressured by social norms and our own beliefs to give more than we have in our cup?

There’s definitely not a right and wrong here - we’re all different. My cup is different than your cup. I also fill my cup slower than you fill yours - I might need a two-week holiday in a remote location with no access to emails, while you might only need a nice dinner with friends, a 10 minute meditation in the morning or a lovely walk. We have different things that fill our cups, but it’s all about bringing balance.

At Useful & Kind we believe that pro-sociality should be as much about ourselves as it is about the others and the world. Listening to what our bodies, minds and souls want and need and taking care of ourselves is as important as it is taking care of others and the world - giving material things, time, attention and kindness to others.

Giving to ourselves is not selfish. Self-care doesn’t mean less care for the others. Selflessness doesn’t have to mean a complete disregard of one’s own needs. We don’t have to choose; we only need to make sure that we give enough to ourselves too.

 So, I encourage you to pause for a moment and reflect where your giving-metre is right now. Then to act.

If you’re giving too much to others, make time to tend to your needs too.

And if you’re giving too much to yourself, find ways that you can be useful & kind to others and the world. Volunteer, get involved, care, listen, be good, be generous in any way you can - the world needs more of it, that’s for sure.

Iulia Trandafir

Generosity, Giving, Sacrifice

Have you decided on your Christmas presents yet? Who is going to get them? Why do you give them? How generous will you be? Do you expect some in return?

This is the time of year when we think of being generous, a time of ‘goodwill, of presents and gifts’ and for Christians the image of a gift of a baby Jesus and the gifts the Wise Men brought of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh - the expensive equivalent of a Jo Malone candle!

So why do we do it?

It’s in our genes. We are programmed to be prosocial, from primitive cells working together to maximise the effective use of energy thus creating more complex structures, through bees and ants co-parenting to extend their genetic reach, to crows and squirrels alerting each other when there is danger even if it puts their lives at risk. Dmitri Belyaev has shown in his work with wolves that the evolution of our species is based on the survival of the friendliest.

The myth of the survival of the fittest has been disproven in many studies which show that it is actually the survival of the friendliest and most altruistic. If I help you then in time you may return the favour - reciprocity. The most useful and kind folk are more helpful to the group and therefore evolution selects for them. Frans de Waal describes Veneer Theory as being the false idea that we are by our nature ‘selfish, aggressive and quick to panic’ when in fact in crises we see humans at their best: witness the level of volunteering for the NHS since COVID-19.

We are hard wired to be Useful and Kind. People like us more if we are, in fact we are more likely to get a partner. David Buss, evolutionary anthropologist, asked thousands of people in 37 countries what they look for in a mate. Whilst there were some differences across the sexes, the one thing that was top for both, was ‘kindness’. If two groups are in direct competition with one another, the group with the larger number of altruists will have an advantage over a group of mainly selfish individuals (Penner 2005). Co-operation not competition wins the day.

Toddlers help each other and have been shown to want to respond positively even where they are not in a position to do so directly. We desire to belong to a group and a sure fire way to do that is to be ‘nice’, useful and kind to others, combining utility and generosity.

Seeing a generous action makes us feel good and more likely to go out and be U&K ourselves.

As well as genetic pre-disposition there are social norms which reward us for being Useful and Kind. We get approval for it when we are little, from authority figures. We get social recognition. In the UK we have a system which publicly marks it in the honours system. But we also do it where it feels the ‘right thing to do'; a sense of social responsibility or as we say at Useful and Kind Unlimited, doing it for Self, Others and the World. We often give without it being noticed, whether a donation to a charity where all we receive is the self-esteem of knowing we have done good.

The millennia old Golden Rule of ‘doing to others as we would have them do to us’ along with many religious versions, to ‘give and not count the cost’, ‘to sacrifice’, ‘to put others first’ adds a moral dimension to the genetic and social.

In a famous psychology experiment Elizabeth Dunn, Lara Aknin and Michael Norton showed that ‘participants who were given money and assigned to spend it on another person reported feeling happier over the course of a day than participants who were told to spend the money on themselves, regardless of the amount they were given to spend’.

We also do it to relieve our own suffering. Thomas Hobbes gave a ‘beggar’ a few pennies to relieve his own distress and characterised that as self-interest. There are many examples of what we call ‘Wounded Healers’, those of us who use our helping to heal our own wounds. The wonderful Laura Darrell founder of #itaffectsme, when recovering from a tough time for herself, realised that she could put her own pain to good use in creating both a forum for people to speak their truth at the same time as encouraging others to give to a mental health charity.

What makes it easier to give both time and money?

We are more likely to give if someone else sets the example first and we will respond proportionately, which is why if you are doing a sponsored run you always want the most generous relative to sign up first then everyone else has to pitch their contribution in relation to it!

There is a downside to the genetic pre-disposition of giving which means that we are far more likely to give to kith and kin. So if we know someone, or there is a cause which has personally affected us, or we can readily see the outcome or it relieves our own distress - then you get the ubiquitous adverts for maltreated dogs on Facebook or YouTube!

The widely reported case of Kitty Genovese in New York, had for 30 years led researchers to think that there were many conditions which had to be met before we would give or act prosocially in a crisis. This case has been researched much more fully recently (Catherine Sanderson, The Bystander Effect and Rutger Bregman’s Humankind) challenging the idea that we don’t help. Here are some useful guides to the conditions for our giving. 

We have to:

• notice the event (and we are more likely to notice if we have seen some else helping first)

• interpret the event as an emergency

• assume responsibility - the more people around the less likely we are to help, assuming someone else will step up to the plate

• know the appropriate form of assistance (if they need CPR I am less likely to help than if they need a glass of water and a comforting word)

• act - considering if it is dangerous to help or asking ‘will I appear foolish if I do the ‘wrong’ thing?’

So back to your Christmas list. It’s no wonder then that you are more likely to buy those close to you something that you can see them open, as that way you can feel the glow of your generosity. It is better to give than to receive (the sweater your aunty knitted!)

Then we come to what is the most effective way of giving? Peter Singer who pioneered the whole area of Effective Altruism gives us some really challenging questions about the effectiveness of our giving comparing for example the cost of training one guide dog in America with the many thousands of people whose sight could be saved, or the organisation that boasts helping one person a week rather than strategically asking the questions about how best to make a difference. He also raises really important questions about the effectiveness of many charities and has supported the creation of comparison websites to help you to decide. Interestingly the Effective Altruism movement has produced pioneers who have decided to maximise their personal income in order to give more away comparing the impact that their giving would have, compared to what they could achieve were they to work for a charity.

Then there is the really important question of when are we giving too much? The now infamous case of Olive Cross which sparked a huge investigation into the high volume of charity material she received which became overwhelming for her. There is the whole field of Compassion Fatigue, where giving and not counting the cost can have serious implications for the wellbeing of the giver, for example the serial humanitarian field worker.

There is a well-known equation that unconsciously we process: will the benefit to the recipient be greater than the cost is to me?

…and Christmas gets nearer…so what questions will you ask yourself now? What is the best and most effective (useful and kind) way to show love, is it a gift, is it an experience, is it time? 

Here comes the challenge: imagine what the world would be like if you were not just giving to those close to you. The Random Acts of Kindness movement has created all kinds of ways in which you might do this from paying for a coffee for someone unseen where you only have the glow of knowing that you are doing something useful and kind, to the many generous acts we have seen recently: shopping for a neighbour, doing someone’s garden, giving someone a call.

In the UK giving and volunteering is huge. 65% of people give money to charity and in 2018 that was £10bn and the peak months for giving are November and December.

At Useful and Kind we go one stage further in encouraging Useful and Kind behaviour and leadership by supporting those people who are really making a big difference, by speaking to authority, by challenging a status quo that has caused huge inequity and environmental catastrophe and a world where hate, from fear, of the other, the different, the outgroup has grown. And this is where sacrifice comes in.

We know that solving some of these huge things is beyond one person, beyond one lifetime, beyond one nation, but needs, as Ben Phillips so persuasively puts it in his recent How to Fight Inequality, us all to work together, to give and not to count the cost, to know that we will not live to see the benefits but can respond to the wonderful question the Iroquois Indians set us of ‘how will this decision, be viewed 7 generations hence?’

So that Christmas list…will the present be ethical? Is a ‘thing’ necessary? Is it just stuff to add to the waste tip? Or it it a meaningful and authentic expression of your empathy, compassion and love for others and the world?

This year think beyond. Beyond the obvious people, places and things. Ask yourself how the world is better for you being in it. Ask what you can give? Ask how you can be a better temporary guardian of the earth? Ask how you can show love.

Let us know what you decide….

Happy Giving!