Word of the day - use and abuse of the word Vulnerable David Wolverson

Word of the Day

U&K's Words of the Day,  on social media have been used in many ways: personal reflection or for a mental health campaign. David Wolverson, one of the original supporters of #usefulandkind (Chair and CEO respectively of two Minfdul Leadership Foundation clients) has been stirred by the recent use and abuse of the word ‘vulnerable.’

Who are we calling ‘vulnerable’?

This short piece started with a conversation with Duncan about why I was sick to death about the government, news channels and a lot of people talking about vulnerable groups of people. So Duncan challenged me to write down my thoughts.

It may seem strange but my thoughts went back to a  19th century pub sitting at 275m on a high moor near Keighley. On the scruffy walls was painted  this  saying 

‘ There’s nowt so queer as folk.

  All the world’s queer, save for thee and me

  But even thee’s a little queer”

I loved it  both for its Yorkshire tone of exceptionalism but also as a reminder how that can drill right down to personal relationships with only the speaker seeing themselves as  the ‘normal’ one.

So it is for me that  use of ‘ vulnerable’ to describe so many people is nothing but a label to ‘other’ them. They are not ‘us’. The ‘vulnerable’ need help to be shielded or housed or fed or cared for whilst ‘we’ do not need this help. Yes it is true that some people do need help (often due to the savage withdrawal of  public safety nets, in the UK, over the last 10 years) but as we are learning in the times of plague those of ‘us’, (the Prime minister, and many cohorts of the under 40’s) who would never class themselves as vulnerable fall prey to this virus, sadly sometimes to fatal effect.  Exceptionalism is no protection from this disease!

So my plea is stop the use of ‘vulnerable’ as label. We are all at risk from this dreadful virus,  just some much more so than others.  But the risk can materialise for anyone of us; we really are in this together

From U&K’s perspective we would look at the dictionary definition and cultural usage:

• Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded - susceptible

• open to successful attack

• Capable of being persuaded or tempted

From our perspective we are all both glorious and messy. We are all susceptible or prone to outside forces. We are all susceptible to Covid-19, but some of us are more susceptible, more prone, more likely to either succumb through age, poverty or underlying health. And at the heart of pro sociality, being useful and kind is this sense of equality, the helper isn’t ‘better’, but it is our ‘duty and joy’ to reach out to others as they may to us. But it also speak to privilege and for my generation acknowledging that and making some sacrifices (after free education, no war, no National Service, jobs, houses and pensions) of time, money and thought.

U&K’s take on vulnerable then is:

When are you vulnerable? How can you help those who feel it today? Whether it be you, others or the world.

Don't touch....

Don’t touch…

19 March 2020

Do you remember being told not to touch as a child, either because you were being kept safe; ‘don’t put your hand in the fire’ or because you had to wait for a special moment; eating the birthday cake with our friends?

Those of us self-isolating or being told to stay without contact or even to ‘socially distance’ are being disallowed the most basic and natural form of healing. The paradox of a highly contagious virus stopping us from this very basic prosocial urge. We are programmed to reach out to others in pain or when we see them crying, to hold them, and to ‘kiss it better’.

The very first life giving and affirming touch we know about both somatically and from Attachment theory. We know the relief and release from a hand softly held, a gentle reassuring hug or the calming soothing of being stroked. We know the science of Serotonin and Oxytocin and we bask in the security of a lover’s embrace.

All of this is being denied us as we enter into a solitary confinement. The paradigm shifting work of Bowlby, Ainsworth, Main et al has shown through myriad minute observations the way in which we become securely attached psychologically, or not, in the first two years of life. The skin to skin, the stroking of the head, the hugging, all help us to find a place in the world, to interpret the intentions of care givers and to find a way to be in a scary world.

Yet right now we are denied the very touch that will help us to feel safe. We are cut off from our loved ones, from friends, even from that annoying work colleague. We know how badly solitary isolation or confinement plays on our sense of security. We experience loss and grief. We lose connection. We lose purpose. We reach out and yet the cold hard screen of our laptops in no way replaces the warm soft touch of a handshake. Our prosocial need for connection creates novel ways: elbow or leg touching.

How will this be as the weeks and months go by?

Here are a few ways:

1 Find a quiet place where you can breathe and become aware of what is happening. Notice your feelings. Allow kind sparkling eyes to look inside yourself with tender acceptance. Just hold you own hand. Notice the temperature. Imagine you are holding a child’s hand, giving them comfort. Now gently stroke one arm, enjoy the feeling of warmth and security. Wrap yourself in a hug. Just enjoy the sense.

2 Research shows that imagining is almost as good as the real thing so just picture running to hug someone after you haven’t seen them for a long time. Imagine the greeting of a long lost friend or meeting your lover after a journey (or watch the opening and closing of Love Actually!)

3 Stroke a pet. Just be present as you do.

4 Find a garment with a particular texture that you enjoy. Just hold it.

5 When you wash your hands or rub sanitiser or lotion onto them, be present, don’t just make it a chore but enjoy the touch - be aware of every crevice in your hands.

6 Allow this sense of secure connection to grow and offer it virtually to anyone you meet on Zoom.

May you be well, happy and free from suffering.

Can we be well when others aren't?

Can you be well when others aren’t?

The lovely people at http://www.networkofwellbeing.org asked me to write this first #usefulandkind post. I shall be working with them directly later in the year.

We live in an unfair world. Opportunity is not equal. 1% own as much as the other 99%. War is common. Materialism in the West is God. Old models are not working for the most. Even with this imbalance the 1% use power to impose austerity and hold on rather than make sacrifices for a greater fairer world.

For over a hundred years psychologists have been looking at what can go wrong for us from depression, to grief to the topical narcissism. For 20 years the positive psychologists have been looking at what contributes to our happiness and wellbeing. For about 10 years mindfulness and some Buddhist teachings have all been used to help us as individuals take more control of our own wellbeing. Neuroscience demonstrates what we have known intuitively for millennia; that secure attachment through empathy is what massively informs our happiness and even longevity.

Wellbeing and social action

So all this got me wondering what would Rosa Parks have done knowing all of this on that famous bus ride. She would have been able to name her feelings, identify her anger, feel compassion towards the woman who told her top get off her seat. But should she have got up? No of course not. My concern has been that much of our work in wellbeing has isolated itself from social action.

There are, and always have been, individuals and groups willing to put themselves on the line to bring about profound and lasting prosocial change, from the Abolitionists to the Suffragettes. They realised that profound sustainable change was about more than one person and often takes more than one lifetime. Empathy, compassion, righteous indignation fuelled prosocial change.

This work is far from done. We live in an age which will be viewed by history as pivotal. As we look back now to the build up to Kristallnacht, so will our successors judge the way we have handled the refugee crisis. Our grandchildren involved in food wars will look back on the Paris 2015 climate conference with despair, and especially at Trump’s contribution if he withdraws from the agreement. Social historians will wonder why in the face of such riches we were unable to rebalance poverty and social justice.

Supporting prosocial leaders

So we at Useful and Kind are trying to address some of these big issues by helping prosocial leaders of all sorts to be the best they can be. We will help them to connect and be the leaders of the change they want to see. Whatever your perspective – whether you favour the rich and wonderful concept of Ubuntu, or believe in the new physics that we are all just related carbon atoms, or have a faith that sees our respective spirits as collaborative – it is clear that we are inter-connected. 

I believe that I can only be truly well when my brothers and sisters, be they neighbours or on the other side of the world, are well too. It is about celebrating diversity and difference. Giving and not counting the cost. Not fighting for what we believe is right, but loving and willing it into being.

A prosocial leader is someone who leads, lives and acts for the welfare and wellbeing of others and the world.

We are developing four initial strands of work:

•    a series of networking seminars helping to grow a ‘community of hope in the dark’

•    an international year long development programme for 30, under thirty year old prosocial leaders

•    a national summer school for 30, Year 11s at Bootham School in York

•    geographical hubs in the South West (Bristol), Merseyside and the North East working to support those involved in our activities and developing and supporting prosocial leadership in the community.

We can all be useful and kind. And this is the understanding that will inform our work. 

Get involved

Please join us by making a 30 second video telling us about a time recently when someone was useful and kind to you, or, you to them and tweet it @usefulandkind or email to duncan@usefulandkindunlimited.com.