Don’t touch…
19 March 2020
Do you remember being told not to touch as a child, either because you were being kept safe; ‘don’t put your hand in the fire’ or because you had to wait for a special moment; eating the birthday cake with our friends?
Those of us self-isolating or being told to stay without contact or even to ‘socially distance’ are being disallowed the most basic and natural form of healing. The paradox of a highly contagious virus stopping us from this very basic prosocial urge. We are programmed to reach out to others in pain or when we see them crying, to hold them, and to ‘kiss it better’.
The very first life giving and affirming touch we know about both somatically and from Attachment theory. We know the relief and release from a hand softly held, a gentle reassuring hug or the calming soothing of being stroked. We know the science of Serotonin and Oxytocin and we bask in the security of a lover’s embrace.
All of this is being denied us as we enter into a solitary confinement. The paradigm shifting work of Bowlby, Ainsworth, Main et al has shown through myriad minute observations the way in which we become securely attached psychologically, or not, in the first two years of life. The skin to skin, the stroking of the head, the hugging, all help us to find a place in the world, to interpret the intentions of care givers and to find a way to be in a scary world.
Yet right now we are denied the very touch that will help us to feel safe. We are cut off from our loved ones, from friends, even from that annoying work colleague. We know how badly solitary isolation or confinement plays on our sense of security. We experience loss and grief. We lose connection. We lose purpose. We reach out and yet the cold hard screen of our laptops in no way replaces the warm soft touch of a handshake. Our prosocial need for connection creates novel ways: elbow or leg touching.
How will this be as the weeks and months go by?
Here are a few ways:
1 Find a quiet place where you can breathe and become aware of what is happening. Notice your feelings. Allow kind sparkling eyes to look inside yourself with tender acceptance. Just hold you own hand. Notice the temperature. Imagine you are holding a child’s hand, giving them comfort. Now gently stroke one arm, enjoy the feeling of warmth and security. Wrap yourself in a hug. Just enjoy the sense.
2 Research shows that imagining is almost as good as the real thing so just picture running to hug someone after you haven’t seen them for a long time. Imagine the greeting of a long lost friend or meeting your lover after a journey (or watch the opening and closing of Love Actually!)
3 Stroke a pet. Just be present as you do.
4 Find a garment with a particular texture that you enjoy. Just hold it.
5 When you wash your hands or rub sanitiser or lotion onto them, be present, don’t just make it a chore but enjoy the touch - be aware of every crevice in your hands.
6 Allow this sense of secure connection to grow and offer it virtually to anyone you meet on Zoom.
May you be well, happy and free from suffering.